Minor spoilers for The Sentinel duh!
Thanks again to Lyrical Soul. She continues to encourage me. :)
I am not known for my patience. Not betaed. Note to Cindy Lauper:
If I didn't get it right it's Blair's fault and he claims delirium!
Guarding Jim
After the surgery they couldn’t keep him sedated.
Every time they kicked me out his blood pressure and heart rate would flat line. I thought he was gonna die on me after all. The doctors finally got the point.
Now, three weeks later, it’s a natural sleep. I have to go down the hall to the restroom to get control of myself. He’ll be okay if there’s no infection or other complications. It’s gonna take a while.
I told Simon when Jim gets released I’m staying home. No nurses or home care assistants, stuff like that. Steven said he would take care of getting someone to come in if necessary, but they wouldn’t know how to take care of his brother. All the instructions in the world wouldn’t be enough to guide them through the minefield of Jim’s responses to any external stimuli. He needs his Guide.
I’m a cop now, no special treatment, right? But I already put in four years of my life as a cop, no denying that. It will be enough to let me take care of him. It better be. Rookie what a joke. Yeah yeah I know he needed me to help him control his senses. But he was really surprised how much I actually contributed to his work and I’m not talking about typing those damn reports either.
As our friendship grew I discovered how damaged he is, inside. It all came together for me when I discovered he was on line as a child. He heard everything and that was way more than any kid ever should. The day he commented that he thought his dad might have killed him shook me up more than I ever let on. Over the past four years I couldn’t believe the times he faced betrayal or had another repressed memory force its way to the surface and cause him even more pain. I was the catalyst for much of that, always insisting he talk about his feelings, never letting him rest probing always prodding. He hated it. I’m convinced he would have broken under the weight of all that control he tried to maintain. Pain and guilt pressed in on him like a medieval torture device and he was determined not to scream. It’s no wonder he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t betray him. He lives in a constant state of paranoia. I was way over my head in trying to deal with that. So his reaction to the first chapter of my dissertation was no surprise. Hell yeah, it pissed me off. But later on I made mistakes and I didn’t have the answers he needed to hear. I think I just got tired of fighting him, way tired. Yeah he’s a shit and he knows it. But he’s got reason. It doesn’t excuse him it just helps me understand him and forgive him all of it. I don’t know if I can ever get him into some serious therapy but it’s a mote point for now.
He almost died.
I sit here running my hands through hair that isn’t there anymore.
"Let it…let it grow back…Chief."
I’m too stunned to move for a minute. Jim is trying to focus on me and a
groan from the pain finally gets me out of the chair.
"It’s okay Big Guy. Shh…you have to rest now."
I ease him back into the pillows.
"You’re going to be alright Jim. Everything’s going to be okay.
You hear? You understand me?"
I’m stroking the side of his face and his eyelids slip down.
"Easy Jim, shallow breaths. That’s it easy."
I move to ring for the nurse and feel him shiver. I put my hand back and
rub his cheek again.
"Jim I need you to dial you senses down okay? I know it hurts man, but work with me here. The doctor is going to come and I don’t want them to hurt you too bad, okay?
I continue to whisper to him until the clenched jaw relaxes. He sleeps again and I leave to tell the nurse that he was awake and able to speak. Much later the doctor comes and I stand in the corridor while they examine him. Soon, soon he’ll be home. I go to the pay phone to let Simon know Jim woke up.
Have I said I don’t know what day it is? The sun comes up and then it is night, but I haven’t been keeping track. Simon tries to come in every morning. Steven comes in the afternoons or sometimes he calls. Their dad showed up the morning after Jim got out of surgery. He never said a word to me just talked to the doctors. He’s been back two or three times, but each time I leave to let him talk to Jim something happens. It gets the nurses on edge so Mr. Ellison just calls to check on him now. H and Rafe have been by most often, making sure I eat, shower get back to Jim. I talk to them about their cases while we sit around. Rafe said I actually came up with something that made sense so they at least have a suspect for one active file. Jim listens or dozes. He doesn’t seem to have the strength or inclination to speak. I sit next to him and his fingers encircle my right wrist even when the guys are here. I can feel his thumb gliding back and forth. Perhaps the rhythm of my pulse is soothing. I don’t mind.
Jim is better and insists I get down to the station and put in some time. He really wants me to stay but it’s that guilt and macho thing. He can’t stand being helpless. I type up reports, big surprise, sit in on some consultations and see the police psychiatrist because my "new" partner has been shot third day out on the streets. That works for now because Simon won’t send me out there until the doctor says so. I go once a day to see Jim. He is in physical therapy for his shoulder and still having inhalation therapy for the damaged lung. It may be months before he can return to work. That upsets him a lot, but I know he needs the time. His heart has to be monitored and care taken he doesn’t get respiratory infections. The doctor says he will come home in another week or two.
Part of the reason he’s been in the hospital so long is the erratic response to medication and the almost total dependence he had on me to control his pain. One night I got to the hospital late and the whole floor was in turmoil because Jim had a bad reaction to some medicine they used without clearing it with me first. Let’s just say before I was through showing them how pissed off I could get Simon and Steven were both there threatening to sue everybody even remotely connected to the place. I was able to leave them to it and concentrate on Jim.
I nearly lost control when he woke up screaming. He could feel the doctor’s hands searching his organs for further damage during surgery. That’s one nightmare he continues to have. Some nights when I’m with him it doesn’t happen. But I have to sit beside him and actually touch him to prevent it. Steven assigned some of the guys from the race track security to stand watch at Jim’s door when the rest of us couldn’t be there. It eased my mind a lot. The doctors would be more cautious with witnesses around. They weren’t trying to hurt Jim on purpose, but I knew their scientific curiosity was working overtime to figure out why his reactions were so different. The sooner he gets out of here the better.
"Look, I said no bed. I’m sick of being in a damn bed. Quit poking at me and leave me alone!"
Jim made his way over to the couch and before I could help him settle, fell back into the cushions. His lips were compressed in a thin line and his already pale complexion whitened even more. I backed off right away and before Steven and Simon could make any comments I dragged them off to the kitchen area.
"Sandburg…"
"No, Simon, it’s okay. He’s been constantly monitored and picked at for weeks. He needs some down time. Give us a few days and when he’s ready for company I’ll let you know."
"Blair can you handle things on your own? You know you’re pretty worn down yourself."
"Everything will be okay Stephen, I promise. Both of us need to rest up. Just wait awhile. Give him some time. Look you guys, the refrigerator is stocked and so are the cabinets. You fixed everything so all I have to do is catch up on my rest. Don’t worry, if there’s any complications I’ll call. Just give us some time, okay?"
"Alright Blair, but I’m keeping my pager and cell phone close at hand. If I have to leave town, I’ll call you."
"Steve, don’t worry I can handle it."
I pat both men on the back as I kinda nudge them toward the door. They glance at Jim, but he ignores them and continues to flip from channel to channel on the television. Oh great, things are back to normal.
Simon’s kinda pissed, but lets me push him out the door. I lock up tight, check the windows and stuff like Jim always does, then, without comment I go crawl in my bed and pass out. I think if I said one more thing to him he probably would have blown up and he’s still way too weak for a screaming match. If I learned anything these past few months, it’s when to push and when not too. I’m pretty sure this is a not too.
"Chief, Chief can you…will you wake up…I…" "Humph…aah…wha…Jim? Whas the matter man…you?" Good Lord, I’m wondering why it’s dark and what’s wrong with Jim and trying to scramble from the bedding I’m tangled in. The brain is not functioning so the body seems to be flopping around uselessly.
"Okay, okay wait…I’m…up…awake Jim. You okay?"
"Chief…I…don’t…feel…"
I get up fast and stumble to his side. He’s propped himself against the door and even in the twilight I can see he’s sweaty and shaking. I turn around and pull back the covers of the bed. I fluff the pillows and take Jim’s weight, maneuvering him into my bed. He doesn’t protest so I know he must feel like shit. I should have stayed awake. He groans when his head sinks into my pillows.
"Thanks…Chief."
"It’s okay Jim. Hold on. I’ll get you something for the pain. Don’t worry, I picked this out myself. No it isn’t some noxious herb. Just try to relax I’ve got it covered."
I pull the door nearly shut behind me so I can turn on the lights without hurting his eyes. I get the bottle of water I sat out when I got home and his medicines. There’s a pot on the stove with some lukewarm soup in it.
So Mr. Hardcase managed to feed himself and even though I want to be mad he didn’t wake me, I’m relieved too. I know the sooner he can take care of himself the faster he’ll get better in his head. I shake out his meds and take them to him. He doesn’t argue and I have to hold the bottle because his hands are trembling too much.
"Jim, I’m going to get you more comfortable so you can rest. Okay?"
I get a nod of acknowledgement and he’s quiet while I take off his shoes and the rest of his clothes. When he’s down to boxers I pull up the covers and tell him to try and sleep. I go and clean up the few dishes and put away the soup. I don’t seem to have an appetite and really want to go back to sleep. I’m thinking I’ll go sack out on the couch when I hear Jim calling for me.
"What is it Big Guy? What do you need?"
For a good minute he doesn’t say anything, just stares at me. He turns his face to the wall.
"Can you…would…"
"Jim you want me to stay with you for a while?"
I can barely see him nod his head in the affirmative.
"I’ll be right back."
I do another quick check of the doors and leave a light on in the living room in case I have to get up later. I really am tired. I have that spaced out feet not quite touching the floor feeling.
"Jim, if its okay, I’m going to lie down. Don’t think I can sit up another minute. Is that alright with you?"
There’s another minute wait and I’m starting to get nervous I asked, when he finally looks at me and nods his head. He watches me strip down to my boxers and T-shirt then slide beneath the covers.
"You need anything, anything you wake me up Jim. I mean that. Don’t be messing with me man. You wake me, okay?"
I’m trying to get tough here, but Jim is just staring at me with that expressionless face and I know if he can slip out later and not wake me he will. God, the man is so stubborn.
Annoyed I lay down and stare at the ceiling. My bed isn’t that big and I’m very conscious of the fact he is there. I can feel the heat from his body in the little space between us. I know he’s watching me.
I don’t know how much later it is, only that I’m dozing when I feel his fingers encircle my wrist. He sighs, his breathing pattern slows.
When I wake up it’s daylight and Jim has turned over, his arm draped over my body. I’m warm for once and comfortable. His face is buried in my hair. He inhales deeply and nuzzles the wild mess. I decide I can lay here a little longer and drift back to sleep.
The loft is ablaze with light when I ease myself from the covers. Jim is on his back, arms flung wide and I’m glad his rest is deep and pain free. Bleary eyed I can barely make out the time on my clock. I get into the kitchen and take a bottle of water from the fridge and put the coffee on. Jim may want a cup and the doctors said it was okay in small amounts. Hospital coffee sucks and Jim made a point to leave the watery concoction in his cup during meals. The liquid nutritional supplement is still bagged on the table and I have to make sure he drinks this since he isn’t eating enough to keep a bird alive. I drag into the bathroom and shower quickly.
I realize I’m starving and cook up a big breakfast. If I’m lucky I can get Jim to eat an egg and some toast later. He dropped a lot of weight and it kinda worries me. Contrary to popular view, Jim isn’t that big a guy. Sure he’s tall and muscular, but those muscles are wrapped around slim bones. He doesn’t weigh that much. He comes across so big and tough because of his attitude. I’ve seen bigger guys toss him around real easy, he just gets back up. Beside when he’s pissed those bright blue eyes get all your attention. He’s pretty scary when he’s mad.
I’ve done a lot of research into his injuries and picked up some massage oils and herbs to help him heal. He still has to go to physical therapy for another week or so and it will be more weeks before he can start going to the range again.
I nearly drop the skillet of eggs and the plate of pancakes on the way to the table.
He is standing in the doorway of my room just staring.
"Hey man you better this morning?"
"I feel okay Chief. Sore but not like yesterday."
He wasn’t exactly standing up straight. It was obvious he hurt more than he wanted me to know. But I knew better than to hover so…
"Good, good. I got some therapeutic oils to massage your muscles. I know the scars must be really irritating. When you feel like it I’ll give you a good rub down so you don’t stiffen up too much. Can you handle the bathroom thing on your own?"
"I…yeah I think so."
"Well go on then. If you need anything…"
"I know Chief...I know."
He almost snapped then seemed like he had a second thought. His face turned pink and he mumbled an apology before he went to the bathroom. Will wonders never cease? Since the dissertation fiasco he has actually apologized more than ever when his temper gets frayed. It still surprises me because I really can’t blame him considering all the pain he’s endured. I try not to listen as he stops every few steps to catch his breath.
I empty the can of nutritional supplement into the blender and add a banana and a teaspoon of royal jelly to it. That should give the liquid enough flavor to boast Jim’s taste buds into action. I’m going to have to be really sneaky to get his appetite back on line. If I can intrigue his senses the healing process may go a little faster. I already planned to make soup from scratch for tonight’s dinner. Jim makes his way to the kitchen table and eases into his chair. I don’t say anything more just place the glass and a small saucer with a slice of toast and half a cup of scrambled egg on it in front of him. The pills he has to take are on a napkin next to the glass and he swallows them quickly. For just a moment he looks into the glass with a puzzled expression and then takes another sip. He puts the glass down and goes to work on the food. He doesn’t stop until the plate is clean and I could jump up and down with relief. I tackle my own breakfast for a few minutes before I ask if he wants more.
"No Chief. That’s about all I can do for now."
He finished his drink and I watch him decipher the ingredients.
"What's in this besides banana? I’ve never tasted it before."
"Royal jelly."
"Chief…"
"Don’t go off the deep end Jim. It’s just to boast your immune system and I know it doesn’t taste bad. And I already talked to your doctor about what I can do to help you heal faster so just accept the fact that I know what I’m doing for once!"
Well damn, I didn’t think I was mad about anything, but I snapped at Jim. He’s looking at me like I just landed in an alien spacecraft but for the second time this morning he doesn’t say anything. I run my fingers through the ghost hair and struggle to get my temper under wraps.
"Sorry Jim, sorry. I guess I’m still tired. Didn’t mean to snap."
He just keeps staring at me until I finally get up and clear the dishes. I clean the kitchen and all the while he sits there looking.
"Hey man you want to shower now? I can give you a good rub down before I go into the station…"
"I thought you were on leave…"
"I…I am but I just have to pull some information up for a case. I promised I’d help H and Rafe…"
"Oh, okay it’s okay Chief. I didn’t…"
"But if you want me to stay…"
"No, no if you got to go…how long…ah before you…ah…"
"Not long Jim, maybe a couple of hours that’s it. That okay…?"
"Yeah yeah no problem…The rubdown sounds good though. If you want to wait…you know until later…"
"It’s up to you man. Go ahead, shower and see how you feel. Oh, let me get you some clean stuff to wear."
I run up the stairs to get him some sweat pants and a T-shirt so he won’t get a chill and when I get back down he is already in the bathroom. I slip in quickly and lay the clothes down on the top of the hamper.
It takes a while for Jim to finish up in the shower, so I get ready to go.
I put fresh sheets on the bed and set up the portable massage table near the fireplace for later. I had to borrow it from one of the few remaining friends I had at the university. I still worry about men in black helicopters attempting to spirit Jim away. The thought has given me more than one nightmare, but I trust the spirit guides will warn us before that happens. I think Jim will tell me this time. I hope he will. We have paid dearly for not communicating about the visions.
I am just thinking I should be worried when he comes out of the bathroom. He isn’t too steady on his feet, but I don’t offer to help.
"I’m ready to get out of here man. You need anything before I go?"
He looks up and stares at me again. I don’t look away. I don’t really understand why he seems so fascinated with me right now. Maybe he focused so much on me in the hospital he can’t break the habit.
"If…I sleep while you’re gone can I get the massage later? I’m kinda tired Chief."
"That’s okay Jim just rest. There isn’t any rush. I put water and some fruit by the bed, so you don’t have to run around a lot. I know you can get it yourself but remember the doctor said for you to ease back into everyday stuff."
I walk across the room and give his good shoulder a squeeze.
"I won’t be long. The phone’s there to if you need to call."
I really have to hold myself back from putting my arms around him. I can see he’s shaking a little but he makes it across the room and lies down on the plumped up pillows. I pull the covers up to his waist. He doesn’t sleep well when he gets too warm.
"I’m okay Chief. Get going."
"Okay, see you in a few."
I can’t resist at least patting his shoulder again. I sat and held his hand for long hours in the hospital and he held on to me once he regained consciousness. Now we are home and I feel awkward. It doesn’t help that Jim seems to be slipping into that cold persona I dreaded so much when Alex was in town. Even though I promised myself not to let anything bad happen again I just can’t find the energy to push him to tell me what’s on his mind. I get out of there before I say something and start a fight.
Well it took more than a couple of hours, so what else is new? When I come into the loft I go straight to the bathroom and shower. My hair and skin are saturated with smoke and stale alcohol from the bar I wound up going to tracking down one of Jim’s informants. It was worth the effort because we were running on the wrong track with H and Rafe’s latest case.
The guy we pegged a low-level dealer was actually the number two-man in a new consortium the scumbags of Cascade were trying to organize. Vice would send in two undercover officers on this one. One way or another we would take these guys down.
My hair is dry and I go to my room and grab a pair of boxers and put them on leaning against the wall in the hall. Jim is probably aware I am here, but I didn’t want to wake him completely if I could avoid it. I had been gone over four hours but I didn’t feel so bad. The apple, grapes and mango slices I left in the bowl were gone. Maybe Jim’s appetite had been low because he hated hospital food.
I was thinking about thawing some left overs instead of cooking when the first shout makes my heart seize.
"No. Chief, no…!"
I go no further than the bedroom door. Jim is fighting the tangled bedding, throwing his body from side to side.
"Jim, it’s alright. Come on wake up. Listen to my voice. It’s Blair. Oh man snap out of it. Focus on me. Come back to me Jim. You’re safe man…."
He’s groaning, the most awful sound and I can’t stay away any longer. He appears to be reaching for something and I think it’s me. So I take the chance to sit on the edge of the bed. I keep talking to him and gradually the groans become whimpers of pain.
"Focus on my voice Jim. You’re not alone man. Come on Jim I know you can hear me come back to me now…"
Maybe twenty minutes have passed with me still talking before Jim’s body begins to relax into the bedding. I resist the urge to touch him unsure if the dream has released him yet.
"You’re safe man, really. You’re in the loft in my bed…"
Where you belong…
"…God Jim when I think how close…I can’t…do this without you man. I promise to take better care of you. I won’t let you down again Jim. Oh man…you gotta know I never wanted you to be hurt babe, never."
I know I’m close to breaking down so I shut my mouth.
Pull it together and bring your Sentinel back. This isn’t about you!
"I’m going to touch you now. Feel my hand on your shoulder. Feel that Jim? See it doesn’t hurt. Focus on your sense of touch. You’re safe Jim. There’s no one here just you and me man. No scary dreams just Jim and Blair safe at home. It’s been almost half an hour man. You’re scaring me!"
I don’t realize he is back. I look up and those blazing blues are once again staring into mine. Chills race up my back and I can’t stop the shivers.
"You…okay Chief?"
"Oh man, that must have been some nightmare."
Jim’s fingers encircle my wrist. His thumb rubs back and forth along the pulse. It actually calms me down.
"We need to get you more comfortable Jim. Let me…"
He pulls me across the bed and wraps his arms around me. He buries his face in my neck and I can just hear the hoarse anguished whisper.
"You. They shoot you and I can’t stop them. They kill you Blair! I couldn’t move fast enough. Lost you Chief…need you safe, stay safe please…I…need you."
My face is pressed against his shoulder and I worry about his wounds, but when I attempt to pull away he won’t let me. I rub his arm trying to sooth him and finally just relax. It seems to reassure him more than my voice so I lay there and let Jim pet me until we sleep.
My growling stomach literally wakes me up. I’m starving and still wrapped in my roommate’s arms. When I try to get up those arms tighten until my breath is cut off. Oh boy, if this is another kinda zone I’m in big trouble. Wiggling doesn’t help. Jim murmurs something then lifts me closer.
"Jim. Man you got to wake up now!"
"Chief?"
"Yeah Jim Chief. I need you to let go so I can…"
"No, stay here."
"Jim any other…"
"Need to touch you Chief. Keep you safe."
"Okay, okay Jim. Man you are gonna hurt yourself. Let me lay right here next to you, okay?
He’s obviously reluctant, but he lets me go and I hope to eventually slide out of here.
Then hands start to stroke my body again…
I hope reassuring Jim doesn’t take the rest of the night, I’m hungry!
And then Jim pushes the covers back and shoves his hand into my boxers and strokes my cock! A stroke is what I think I’m having. Jim Ellison did not just just…
"Easy Chief, I won’t hurt you. I promise."
"I huh…know that…Ji…Jim. Aah look man you know…aah what…"
"Shh…just let me touch you Blair. I promise I won’t do anything to make you afraid. I think…I guess I need this, to touch you all over.
Needs this. Jim needs this?
My chest is so tight I can’t breath! And all the time I’m freaking’ out Jim is wrapping his fingers around my hard aching cock…
Hard, aching? Oh, shit!
I got a hard on and Jim is jacking me off. The world has gone totally crazy!
Air hissing through my teeth and I grunt on each stroke.
God gggood.
His thumb slips around the head sticky with pre cum and my cock jerks in his fist. Only two fingers slide down barely touching me and tap my balls I shiver with pleasure.
"Jim!"
"Feel good Chief?" The breathy question in my ear sends chills up and down my body.
I think my head is bobbing like some wind up toy cause I can’t say anything else just gasp for air and please please don’t let him stop! All his fingers squeeze me stroke up and my hips follow. I’m on my back shaking, moaning scared to death and fuckin Jim’s fist faster and faster.
Gonnacomegonnacomegonnacomeon Jim. Shit.
"Jim, man I’m gonna…"
Ducks his head, hot breath on my chest and his teeth tug on the ring.
Sogoodsogoodsogoodsogood hurts straight to my groin. I choke and...
I don’t know a damn thing. I can’t see and I hear nothing but my pounding heart and Jim’s pulse drumming in my head.
It’s true you will go blind, but only if Jim Ellison does it to you. It’s true you will go blind, but only if Jim Ellison…
I think my eyes rolled back in my head. I pulled every muscle in my body. He touched me and I’ve come so hard I am blind. Who cares…he bop we bop a you bop I bop we bop a you bop…he bop he bop…
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I’m returning to earth when Jim buries his face next to my ear and takes this really deep breath. He nuzzles behind my ear and I realize he may zone on my scent. When I try to pull away those arms squeeze me again. He rubs his face in my sweaty hair and neck, then licks the cum off his hand! I loose the breath left in my body when his lips are suddenly pressing against mine.
Suffocation is good. I can do suffocation.
"Chief?"
"Humph…aahkay…"
Some bad Blair voice is trying to tell me that Jim will be in denial and this never happened. But I can’t deal with that now. Jim is kissing me and my body is straining against him needing him to touch me again, just once more…
Please!
I ignored the bad Blair voice.
When Jim finally slips into an exhausted sleep I manage to stagger from the bed. My legs are shaking so hard I fall to my knees twice before I can get to the bathroom. If I had a date tonight my libido would be a mote point. I’m rung dry and sensation drunk.
Jim, I can’t believe it yet. He found erogenous zones I didn’t know I had. The last time I couldn’t do anything but scream, if you want to call those hoarse croaks screaming. He wasn’t even trying to hold me down at the end. He just stroked my body with those hands and fingers. He just kissed and licked and I let him. Drugged on sensation, overdosing on Jim.
God!
What do I do now? How do I handle the rejection that’s sure to come? My brain provides no answers. The reality of my situation is I move out because Jim will never acknowledge what we did and turn into my worse nightmare, again.
Or I move out because this was a pity party for everything I supposedly sacrificed for him. I couldn’t stay here if it was anything like that. I couldn’t…
Except Jim is hurt and until he can go back to work I can’t leave.
Food, I really need to eat. I manage to clean myself up and get back into the kitchen. I rummage through the dated color coated containers of leftovers in the freezer. There’s a beef and barley soup that will be just enough to feed us both and I round out my meal with some grilled cheese sandwiches. It will do in a pinch. Jim may not wake for hours so I inhale my dinner and try not to think about the events of the afternoon.
I almost crashed on the couch. I wanted to ‘cause I was no more comfortable with what happened then Jim will be. There should be a trench in the floor where I’ve paced most of the night. It could be a Sentinel thing, after all, Jim did say he dreamed I was the one killed. I know he cares about me more than he will probably ever say.
Maybe he needed to focus on my being alive and the release found in sex would reaffirm… You’re reaching here Sandburg.
Well, maybe he was just so totally zoned on my scent he…
He’s smelled your cum before Sandburg. Especially these last few months when the only dates you’ve had have been with your hand. You live with a Sentinel after all.
Well maybe that was it. He needed to…
You need to shut up ‘cause you don’t have a clue, not a clue. And if you start thinking Jim might really have feelings for you beyond your precarious friendship, you should have been the one shot, in the head!
I need to wake Jim so he can eat something. He’ll be weak as a newborn if I let him sleep through the night without food. When I step into the room the smell of sex overwhelms me, spent lust. Shit.
"Jim, come on wake up. You need to eat, okay? Come on Jim, I know you’re tired but you got to wake up and eat."
He takes a deep breath, opens his eyes and captures my wrist. My heart leaps into my throat. I need, I mean I must take care of him before I can deal with the rest.
"That’s good Jim. Let me help you sit up and I’ll bring you some soup and half a grilled cheese okay?"
Ah hell, the silent treatment again. His body is trembling a little and he allows me to fluff the pillows and settle him against them. I warn him before I turn on the light. I hurry to bring the reheated soup and sandwich to him. The bowl is small and the half sandwich is cut into bite sized pieces. Its scary to see how so little seems to satisfy his appetite. He eats everything but doesn’t want seconds. The road to healing Jim is going to be a long one.
I don’t know what to do or what to say. I clean up and wander around the loft. I need to sleep but frankly I’m scared. If I get in the bed will he…? And if I crash out on the couch will I piss Jim off, hurt his feelings? Does he care one way or the other? Shit!
"Chief…you ahhh…coming…to bed?"
I can hear the effort it took for him to ask.
Am I deluding myself thinking Jim may have feelings for me beyond his need for a Guide, beyond friendship?
Can I risk giving up the last of the Blair Sandburg I thought I was to become Jim’s lover, maybe for just one night? Can I continue to be his roommate and partner at work if he never wants to touch me again?
I jumped from a plane and leaped over a cliff for Jim Ellison. I threw away my career and I carry a gun for Jim Ellison. Is need his obsfucation for love? Could Jim still have it in him to love anyone?
I don’t have the answers to those questions. The answers may be in that room that I have slept alone in for four years.
I’m terrified.
I check the perimeter, turn out the lights and slip under the covers next to Jim. His back is to me. I curl around him and wrap my shaky fingers around his wrist, rubbing my thumb across the rapid pulse. After a moment he relaxes into my body.
I am a champion obfuscator when necessary.
If nothing else, the Sentinel will always have his Guide.
Fini
